Macdiculous.com
After enjoying a sketch from the television show Saturday Night Live, Steve Jobs decided to give his wife “his dick in a box” for Valentine’s Day. “I think that she will really like the surprise. I was thinking about getting her a new iPhone, but what is in this box is much more impressive. You see, it’s my dick in the box,” exclaimed a very excited Steve Jobs.
When asked about why he selected the type and size of he box that he did, Jobs replied, “Well, it was important to get the right size. You see, I consider myself to have an average size member, but I like my balls to be able to breathe. Plus, I have all five colored iPod Shuffles clipped on to my junk. Sure, it’s a little painful, but the ladies love it when I do this.”
There was no word as to what Jobs’ wife got him for Valentine’s Day, but we expect that she is going to give him her “tits in a box”, or a very nice card.
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Apple’s newest version of its iWork suite of programs will feature a version of Minesweeper. Minesweeper is a game that is shown to be the most popular with people at work who are just trying to waste time until the end of the day. Dave, a programmer for Apple, sat down for a few questions about this move.
In a stunning turn of events, it appears that Steve “Woz” Wozniak, one of the original founders of Apple Computer, Inc, is the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. The night shift manager of a snack shack in the Bahamas was quoted as saying “We saw that man come into the store many times in one night to get snacks and drinks. We weren’t sure when he slept, because he was always snacking. Then one day, we saw him pull up on his Segway scooter with Anna on the back. They loved to snack.”
Apple has been very successful with their retail stores opening up around the world. With a new store opening tomorrow (February 10, 2007) in Honolulu, Hawaii, Steve Jobs was happy to announce that a new Apple store will be opening up soon after. A delighted Jobs told press, “I can’t really say when or where, but I know that a new one is on its way.”
Apple has announced that the World Wide Developer Conference (WWDC) for 2007 will be held June 11-15th, 2007 in San Francisco, CA. Thousands of Apple developers, programmers, and fans will descend on San Francisco for this event. “I’m so excited because this will be my first one that I will be able to see,” says Seymore Hendricks, a developer for an Apple software company. Of course he is excited about the conference, but that isn’t what he is referring to. Apparently, strip clubs in the area are banking on the fact that there will be many single lonely men coming in from all over the country. Zed, the owner of the , a local gentleman’s club, is very excited. “I get really excited whenever these nerds come into town because the locals here don’t really like this sort of stuff. You know what I mean? There a little fruity,” Zed told us. We were told that there will also be underground orgies, naked parties, and whores will abound. We also heard that the conference will be nice.
Tyrone Mayberry, a known child molester, wanted to do a nice thing for a teenager in his neighborhood. “I just wanted to buy her an iPod so that she could listen to some music. I wanted to engrave a message on the back so that she would always remember me whenever she listens to songs like ‘My Humps’ or ‘F**k You Like an Animal’. I can’t even do that now without being censored. They wouldn’t do this to a white man”, an irate Mayberry told us. “Everybody knows that George Bush hates black people, and now we know that the Apple guy do too,” he continued.
“It was one time at a Halloween Party,” claims Steve Jobs, head of Apple, Inc on the subject of always being called the Mac Daddy. “I thought it would be funny to dress up like a pimp and have everyone call me the Mac Daddy because one, I was dressed as a pimp, and two, because I am the father of the Macintosh. I think that it is about time that this stops. At first, I didn’t mind. In fact I thought it was kind of cool, but enough is enough.”
The lawsuit between Apple Inc. (Steve Jobs) and Apple Corps (The Beatles) has been finally been settled. Each party will bear its own legal costs, and Apple Inc. will continue to use its name and logos on iTunes. Other terms have been exclusively discussed with Macdiculous. These terms are:
Even though it has been on the market for some time now, Apple has finally sold its first iPod Hi-Fi, the speaker system made just for an iPod by Apple. “We are very excited about this,” said one Apple Store employee. She continued, “At $350, we never thought that we would sell one. We are going to celebrate all night long. In fact, there is a rumor that Steve Jobs himself will be flying out to congratulate us all. This is the best day of my life!”
Boys and young men across the world have been known to masturbate into a sock or two in their lifetime. The iPod Sock will soon come with a warning tag urging these males not to use the sock for this purpose. Apparently, though the sock is intended to keep an iPod safe from getting scratched and dinged up, it can irritate the skin on a certain male member. “It is intended to keep an iPod safe, not to get off using it,” says one employee at an Apple retail store. He continued, “It is an iPod sock, not a cock sock. Why would you want to put a pink sock on and rub one out? I just don’t understand! I can see if it were cold out and you were using it for warmth, but beyond that is just sick.”
Fresh off the release of the popular iPod Shuffle in multiple colors, Apple will soon release Steve Jobs in multiple colors as well. For too many years, we have only been able to get our Steve Jobs in limited colors. Always in a black mock turtleneck and blue jeans, Jobs will now come in green, blue, orange, and pink. For those of you who like the traditional Steve Jobs, black will be available as well.
Apple’s popular “Get a Mac” ads will soon be one character less. In the soon-to-air season finale, Mac and PC will introduce each other as they always do. After a few seconds discussing what each had done the previous weekend, Linux, a new character introduced in this episode, comes up behind PC with a bat and strikes PC on the back of the head. Then, recreating a scene from the film Office Space, Linux continues to beat PC with the bat, then stomps on him. Mac then pulls Linux away from PC, but not before Linux urinates on PC.
The World PWFFH Organization (People With Flippers For Hands) are upset over how difficult the new iPhone will be for them to use. “Everyone is claiming how great this phone will be, but we have to disagree,” says Irving Roberts, the head of the organization. Roberts added, “It is difficult to use, and it will cost a flipper and leg to buy one. We are up in arms…well, flippers, about this phone, and we want Apple to make it easy for everyone to use.” When asked which phone was easy for him to use, Roberts jumped back in the water and swam away. He was later caught in a net off the coast of Chile.
A few weeks back, Steve Jobs announced that Apple Computer, Inc. would be changing their name to Apple, Inc. Jobs went a bit further and now wants to change the name of apple’s, as in the fruit. One Apple employee stated, “We all thought that Steve was kidding when he sent out a company wide memo stating that all apple’s will now be know as iFruits. It includes the apple’s down in the cafeteria, apple Jolly Ranchers, and even appletini’s at parties. We now have to refer to them as cafeteria iFruits, iFruit Jolly Ranchers and iFruitini’s. It’s kind of weird.” 
Apple’s next operating system has already been named. After the upcoming Leopard release, the next major upgrade to the operating system will be called OS X 10.6 Tabby. “We will be sticking with the whole cat theme, but we want it to be cute at the same time,” says one anonymous inside source. He added, “We were going to go with Lion, or Cougar, but people get killed by them every year. We don’t want that kind of reputation. Also, Microsoft sucks.”