Macdiculous.com
Ever since realizing that he looked a lot like Steve Jobs, Dwayne Jackson has attempted to make his living off of the Apple CEO. “I have been trying to get booked at parties, and business get togethers. At first, people think that it is a joke, but I think that I look just like him,” said Jackson. The 46 year old man does dress just like Steve Jobs, though many of his clients disagree that he looks like Jobs. Mary Jones, the owner of The Apple Tree, told Macdiculous, “I run a small Apple accessories business and I thought that it would be fun to hire a Steve Jobs impersonator for our Christmas party. I thought that it was weird that his website didn’t have any pictures of him, but I figured he must look something like Steve Jobs. All he did when he got there was walk around saying ‘Hi, I’m sexy Steve Jobs’ then he tried to grope the females. What a joke. Sure, he’s sexy as hell, but certainly not Steve Jobs.”
Though we at Macdiculous suggested to Dwayne Jackson that he might look a bit like other celebrities, Jackson fired back telling us, “Do not ruin this for me. I AM STEVE JOBS. I am out there giving an Oscar worthy performance, and people like you just ruin everything. Not cool, man. Not cool.”
The wedding of Dwayne Jackson and Mary Jones is scheduled for early June.
Share this story:
A new virus has emerged that strikes only Apple computers running OS X. Named “The Snap Virus”, it ventures through all of the infected files and enhances their performance and optimizes the files. Symantec and McAfee, two companies that make anti-virus software decided not to include the virus into their list of known viruses. “We thought about this, and we decided that most people will actually want to get this virus,” says one anti-virus programmer that we spoke with. “My Mac now runs 60% faster than it did before I got the virus. It also noticed that I have some recipes for desserts on my computer, and it left me a few great recipes. The carrot cake recipe that it left was amazing.” An elderly woman, who lives at an assisted living center that was infected by the virus, told Macdiculous, “I love my new virus. I named him Max. He taught me how to crochet and laughs at all of my jokes. I can’t wait to talk with Max and tell him about the peas that I ate today. I bought this shirt today at…where am I?”
Visitors to Apple headquarters today were shocked to see that the company was celebrating National Naked at Work Day. Every employee was urged to participate in the event, which was started by a programmer last year. A very nude Dale, the programmer who started the event, told Macdiculous, “I actually got caught being naked in my cubicle last year, and I made up the whole story about it being National Naked at Work Day. Everyone bought it.” Other employees at Apple told us that it was very freeing and it was a great bonding experience. Julie, a 24 year old office assistant who was out playing Frisbee during her lunch break, told us, “This is one of the best days I have experienced here. In fact, I got a raise this morning and then I…Hey! Hey Buddy! My eyes are up here!”
The annual National Association of Broadcaster trade show will run April 14th-19th, and Apple will be there, holding a special event. The event, leaked to Macdiculous from inside sources, will be all about the pornography business. Our inside source, who we will call Armando, told us that the pornography business is a multi-billion dollar a year industry, and Steve Jobs wants pornographers everywhere to know that an Apple system can do it all. Armondo told us, “From producing, to editing, to creating and mixing the soundtrack, Apple can do it all. There are even some great scriptwriting programs available, for the 3% that have scripts. With an Apple laptop and an HD camera, anyone can become a pornographer… even your grandmother.” After throwing up, we continued our interview with Armond. “Using iMovie to edit what you shoot, Garageband to create the music, and iDVD to burn to disc, a new Macbook Pro can be an all in one porno creating machine.” Thinking back to the comments that Armond said earlier, we threw up again, and had to end the interview.
In a small bar in the heart of Los Angeles, Apple’s Mighty Mouse and the Wireless Mighty Mouse first exchanged harsh words that later turn into an all out brawl. The night started out with the Wireless Mighty Mouse and a few friends hanging out at Duffy’s Tavern, a small local bar in Los Angeles. Not knowing they were there, Mighty Mouse stopped by the bar for a bite to eat and a quick drink following a photo session. With a few drinks already in him, Wireless Mighty Mouse, who has been known to harass and tease Mighty Mouse in the past, started calling Mighty Mouse names and throwing nuts from the bar at him. Finally, after a few minutes of trying to ignore him, Mighty Mouse looked at Wireless Mighty Mouse and yelled, “Hey, you got a problem with me?” Wireless Mighty Mouse responded with a simple, “Yeah, I do!” Witnesses at the scene claimed that Mighty Mouse threw a barstool while yelling, “Here I come to save the day!” Wireless Mighty Mouse blocked the stool, and came at Mighty Mouse kicking and punching, also yelling “Here I come to save the day!” Both continued to exchange blows until police arrived at the scene, broke up the fight and took both into custody. The bartender of Duffy’s told Macdiculous, “If I heard one of them yell ‘Here I come to save the day’ one more time, I was going to shoot myself.”
On a regular basis, Apple publishes a playlist of a celebrity’s favorite songs. Macdiculous has an inside source at iTunes who will leak us an occasional celebrity playlist before iTunes publishes it. The following is Tom Cruise’s Playlist:
Today, Namco announced the release of Ms. Pac Man for the Apple iPod. In a stunning turn of events, three of the four ghosts that chase Ms. Pac Man through the game have formed a union and are refusing to work. Blinky, head of the newly formed Dead Video Game Characters Union, Local 1981, told reporters that they are on strike until better working conditions can be met. “We will not stand for this anymore. I have been doing this for over 25 years and there is no sign of any retirement package, or health benefits. Unless you call that box that our eyeballs go to in order for us to have bodies again, health benefits,” shouted Blinky into a megaphone outside of the Namco building. 
As many had speculated, Apple’s new iPhone ad aired during Sunday night’s 79th Annual Academy Awards. The ad shows 32 different movie characters all saying, “Hello?”, or another form of greeting, into a telephone. The original idea behind the commercial happened when Steve Jobs used his cell phone to call his wife’s cell phone, both of whom have Cingular phones. Because of the awful reception, they kept saying, “Hello?” to each other trying to find a spot with decent reception.
With the internet abuzz about what new Apple products will be introduced next month, one product that stands out is the release of a black iMac. This iMac will be different in more ways that just the color. The black iMac would be the same size as the white iMac, but it would have a much longer power cord. Some other differences include the ability to run faster and much bigger speakers. Apple intended on including a new computer language named iBonics that would help black iMacs communicate much better with each other, but it was scraped when programmers realized that white iMacs could not communicate in that language. An upgrade was going to be made to the math processes in the black iMac, but instead Apple will upgrade it in the Yellow iMac due out next year.
As shown in the television series 24, a documentary about a day in the life of a counter terrorist agent, Apple computers can be seen all over the headquarters of top government agencies. Though Apple is not exclusive to CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit) headquarters, the best and brightest of the agents do prefer to work on an Apple. Many Dell computers can be seen in the headquarters, which prove that Mac’s and PC’s can work very well in a working environment. The software that they run is unknown at this time, but it it does work on both PC’s and Mac’s. The software is most likely top secret software that only people working in the highest levels of the government even know about.
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is sick and tired of engraving his name into the back of the U2 Special Edition iPod. Though many people think that Bono’s signature was recorded into a computer program and a machine engraved his signature, Bono thought that it would be much more special if he did it on each iPod. “I didn’t know what I was getting into,” stated the U2 front man. “I thought that there might be a few hundred sold and besides, it is kind of cool to use this laser engraver. But this one here is the 16,451st one that I have engraved by hand. I can’t take it anymore.”
Rumored to be having a secret affair, XM Satellite Radio and Sirius Satellite Radio made their relationship public by traveling to New Jersey to form a civil union. There have been many rumors about the two lovebirds in the past year with sightings of the two on the beach in Martha’s Vineyard, on the slopes of Aspen, and anywhere else rich people drive cars.
This past Friday, Steve Jobs lashed out at teachers unions during a conference on education reform. Jobs compared schools to businesses with principals serving as CEOs. “What kind of person could you get to run a small business if you told them that when they came in they couldn’t get rid of people that they thought weren’t any good?” Jobs asked. “Not really great ones because if you’re really smart you go, ‘I can’t win.”‘ Jobs claimed that no amount of technology in the classroom would improve public schools until principals could fire bad teachers. 
Reports have come recently about Mac Mini and the possible eating disorder that it may have. Friends and family of the Mac Mini are coming to its aid. “I work very closely with the Mac Mini, and I am a bit concerned for the safety and the well being of my good friend,” said a 17″ monitor. Also there to help was an Apple remote, who told us, “I started to see a difference in Mac Mini a few months ago, but I didn’t want to say anything. With all of the pressure to stay good looking, I can see why some models will go through all of this. I am naturally thin, so I don’t have anything to be worried about myself, but others are just built wider.”
Giving credit where credit is due, Microsoft has credited Steve Jobs and the entire Apple team in the credits for their newest operating system. Though they are somewhat hidden, the credits for Vista display everyone’s name who contributed to the creation of the software. An Apple programmer told us, “Well, I don’t feel quite as mad about them copying everything that we do. We got credit for helping to create the operating system, so I can’t be mad. That Bill Gates is a pretty nice guy after all.”